So, I can't really be bothered to write anything today but I always have a back-up plan so forgive me for just listing some jokes. Maybe you can all have a laugh whilst I shut my eyes and go back to sleep - ps - apologies to the blondes out there.
Here are some jokes – the first ten of which have recently been voted the best gags of all time. I’ll let you make your own minds up.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.
I went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A young blonde fears her husband is having an affair. She goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she finds him in bed with a redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps off the bed and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically, the blonde responds to the husband: "Shut up, you're next."
A classic from Tommy Cooper - I said to the gym instructor: "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said: "How flexible are you?" I said: "I can't make Tuesdays."
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.
Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The reception was brilliant.
"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." He said: "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" I asked. "It's not unusual," he replied.
A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
A dizzy blonde is sitting at work one day when her phone rings. After answering the call, she bursts into tears and is quickly consoled by her workmates who ask what's wrong.
"It's my granny," she sobs, "she's dead!" A few minutes later, the blonde takes another call and this time she's absolutely inconsolable.
"What's wrong now?" asks her pal.
"That was my sister," she yells, "her granny has died as well...!"
And whilst we’re on ‘blonde’ jokes – here are a few more. Sorry girls.
What about the blonde who decided to surprise her husband by painting the house. When he returned from work he found her slumped in a corner sweating profusely. ‘Why are you wearing all that gear?’ he asked. ‘Because it says on the paint tin – for best results put on two coats.’
Two blondes were standing outside their sports car in the pouring rain. "I wish you hadn't locked the keys in the car," says one. "Tell me about it," says her pal. "The top's down and the seats are going to be soaked."
What's the most effective way of keeping a blonde busy? Hand her a bottle of shampoo with the instructions: "Lather, rinse and repeat."
Two blonde sisters were sent into the wood to cut down a Xmas tree. They searched and searched but they couldn’t find their ‘perfect’ tree. They searched for hours through knee deep snow and biting wind. Finally, five hours later with the sun beginning to go down, one blonde says to the other, "I can't take this anymore. I give up! There are hundreds of beautiful trees out here. Let's just pick one whether it's decorated or not!"
On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.
The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"
"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."
After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"
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