You Know It’s Going to be a **** Day When ……

The kids complain about the toast at breakfast – ‘It’s too burnt Thomas. I’m not eating it – why can’t mummy make our breakfast?’

I’m relaxing in the lounge after a battle over the breakfast toast and then driving the kids down to the bus stop (at 7.20am) and I get a text from the bedroom asking ‘where’s my tea?’ A text from the bedroom !!!!

I go all the way down to the jungle to cut some logs and within 5 minutes the chain has come off the chainsaw. That’s it finished for the day.

Later, I set off on the scooter to go to the bottle bank and I get a puncture before I get to the end of the lane.

Never having taken a scooter wheel off before, I think the best idea is to load the scooter into the trailer and go to the garage (8 km away) to get the tyre blown up (to establish if it really is a puncture) and when I get there the air machine is not working. I swear, to nobody in particular and the guy at the garage thinks I’m an English pratt.

I get home planning to have a nice fried lunch cause that’s what guy’s need when they’re stressed and I find that J has made me egg and tomato sandwiches – egg and tomato sandwiches !!!!

I spend all afternoon trying to get a good fire going and when J returns after having her nails done she says, ‘crap fire’.

I eventually decide to take the scooter wheel off but the wheel nut is tight and when I try and loosen it with a sharp hit from a hammer I hit my hand – blood everywhere - dumbo!

I finally get the wheel off and travel another 10 km to Chateauneuf to the scooter shop only to find it’s closed for the day.

I settle down to do some work on the PC and it crashes and now there’s no sound.

I get my PC working and sell some bank shares only to find they rise even further after I’ve sold them.

I try even harder to get the fire going and when J passes again she says it once more, ‘crap fire’.

I’m sitting on the sofa reflecting on what a crap life I have and thanking the UK for clarifying the laws on assisted suicide when I feel something moving in my hair. I pick it out and it’s a live wasp – I HATE wasps.

I go into the kitchen to see how dinner is coming along and I spot two empty champagne bottles waiting to go to the bottle bank – she can’t have drunk that much whilst preparing dinner – surely?

It’s been a really **** day and it’s only 6.30pm! Still – there’s always tomorrow but that could be worse!

And it hasn’t started well – 3am and I’m up sneezing with hay fever – still there’s always tomorrow!