Cars In France

I’d love to have a new car. I love the smell of the leather, the knowledge that you’re protected from any faults for three years and the fact that each time you get a new car there are all sorts of new gizmos to play with. Sat Nav, climate control, cruise control etc etc (shows you how long it's been since I had a new car). But there’s no chance of me getting another new car in France (I’ve had two), because within a week, some adolescent idiot will have scraped his/her keys down both sides causing thousands of euros in damage. This has happened to me twice and to several people I know. I swear, if ever I caught somebody doing that to my car, I’d be in prison for the rest of my life – nuff said!

So why cars today (I always feel I need to justify my blogs)? It’s a couple of things but mainly a story my brother told me the other night. And before I continue, I haven't gone off my trolley - read on.

My brother must have one of the best jobs in the world. He drives around Scotland, visiting all sorts of beautiful places, stopping for lunch beside a loch, below a mountain or in a bay overlooking the sea. But last week as he was driving past an old landmark not far outside Glasgow (Jackie Stewart’s father’s garage), he spotted a flame-red Ferrari parked under a tree.

As is the norm in Glasgow, a heavy shower had sprung up, almost out of nowhere, and this guy who had an open-topped Ferrari, had stopped under a tree to get shelter. Despite the fact that he most probably had a hard top stored in his boot, the rain was so heavy that all he could do was to sit in his car with an umbrella up. Robert thought it was the funniest thing he’d seen in a very long time.

Back to France. The other thing which happens in France is that your car can be wrecked in the car park of a supermarket. Doors caved in, bumpers smashed, wing mirrors removed etc etc and that’s just you popping in to get a litre of milk. They just don’t care. Parked cars are there to let French drivers know when they need to reverse., or to go forward. Parked cars are a legitimate ‘bumper zone’ to let the Frenchies know when they’ve reached the limit of their turning zone. It’s accepted. It’s just a French thing. They’re stupid and they don’t care.

So …… my tow bar fitted to the back of my Jeep is my greatest weapon. I just reverse now and when I hit something, I know I need to go forward a bit. Not nice I know but sod them.

It reminds me of a situation quite a few years ago when my son, Stephen, and I went off to Calais on a ‘booze cruise’. We’d filled the supermarket trolley to overflowing with crates of beer and boxes of wine. The car park was on a hill and as we reached our car I said to Stephen to keep hold of the trolley otherwise it would roll off down the hill.

Of course, you can all guess what happened – Stephen was distracted by a sixty year old French woman in hot pants and let the trolley go. It was almost like slow motion as the fully-laden trolley ran downhill, straight into the bumper of another car. Being the honest, decent citizen I am, I put my business card on the windscreen, simply saying I’d seen what happened and for the owner to contact me.

We got back home and within a couple of days a really obnoxious, bolshy woman was on the phone demanding to know what had happened to her car. She was so obnoxious that I decided not to admit liability and said that all I’d seen was the car which had caused the damage. She demanded to know the registration plate so I made up a series of numbers on the spur of the moment. And then she said ……… that’s ok I’ll be able to trace him cause I’m in Scotland Yard’s stolen car crime squad ! Aaaaaagh !