Day Of The Phone Calls

I’ve had visitors on and off since mid-June, the last ones leaving on Wednesday. It’s great to see old friends but in order to socialize, my personal admin has to be put off so yesterday was a catch-up day - a day of phone calls.

Call 1 to Bank Number 1

Hello, Mr Tom Cupples here.

Bank – ah Mr Cupples, welcome to the premium banking service – what can I do for you?

Me – I called you before I went on holiday. I had a fixed term savings scheme maturing and I complained that the form you sent asking me to nominate another account for the money did not have the obvious option – that of putting it into my current account until I decided what to do with it.

Bank – hmmm yes. There is a note to that effect.

Me – so what did you do?

Bank – we put your money in another 1 year fixed term account.

Me – please take it out and put it in my current account.

Bank – we can’t do that. It’s locked away for another year now.

Me – you can take it out – what if I died?

Bank – yes of course we can take it out, but we’ll have to charge you for removing your money before the year is up.

Me – ok, so you send out a misleading form and now you’re saying you want to charge me for keeping my money with you. Have you got the number for the Banking Ombudsman please?

Bank – where was it that you wanted us to move your money Mr Cupples and of course there’ll be no charge.

Call to Insurance Company

Hello – Mr Cupples here.

Axa – Hello Mr Cupples, what can we do for you?

Me – I renewed my scooter insurance a few weeks ago and I have not received my little green sticker yet and my last insurance expired on the 1^st July.

Axa – Ah – don’t worry Mr Cupples. The post at this time of year sometimes takes 2-3 weeks to get to you.

Me – but you’re in Nice

Axa – ah – it doesn’t matter where you are – you could be at the other end of the street. It’ll still take 2-3 weeks.

Me – how do businesses survive when the post takes 2-3 weeks?

Axa – we’re in France Mr Cupples. One learns to adjust.

Call to Bank 2

Ring, ring, ring, ring.

Hello – you’ve called at the wrong time. Please call back.

Brrrrrrrrrrr.

Note – no answerphone. No options. No Bank !

Call to Bank 1 (again)

Hello Mr Cupples. It’s you again. What can I do for you this time?

Me – yup – your premium client.

Bank – ah yes.

Me – you know that money which you so kindly put in my current account ?

Bank – yes.

Me – well another part of your bank is offering twice as much interest as you are so I’m calling you to see what you can do before I transfer it to them.

Bank – nothing I’m afraid.

Me – but you’re part of the same bank.

Bank – ah yes but we’ve recently bought them from the UK government and they’re able to offer higher interest rates.

Me – so let me get this straight. As an old, financially stable bank you can offer me only 1.75% interest but that bankrupt lot you bought to get Gordon Brown off the hook are able to offer 3%.

Bank – er yes. That’s about it.

Me – thanks. Now can we transfer this money.

Call to Bank 2 (again)

Ring, ring, ring, ring.

Hello this is Sanjeev can I help you?

Me – yes – I live in France and therefore cannot get into a branch so can you send me some paying in slips please.

Sanjeev – ah no Mr Cupples. You have to go into a branch to get those.

Me – I’ll repeat. There are no branches in my country. Can you get someone to send some paying in slips please.

Sanjeev – sorry Mr Cupples, you’ll have to visit a branch for that.

Me – Grrrrrrrrr!