You Know When You’re Getting Old Because…….. 

I was sitting in the local bar waiting for Julie to join me for lunch when I heard someone talk about Christmas. Christmas ! Christmas ! We’ve not said goodbye to summer yet (I hope) and here was someone talking about Christmas. OK, it’s getting a bit cooler now and the cats are getting hairier but it’s still nearly 4 months away. And then I realised my problem wasn’t that Xmas was just around the corner it was that I still remember last Xmas ……..as if it was yesterday. And then I think about my wedding in February and it only seems like yesterday but it was nearly 7 months ago. Time is flying past at an incredible rate of knots and it seems to me that the older I get the faster it goes. And then I think, forgetting about the Glasgow health statistic which says I should have died 3 years ago, that in theory I should still have maybe another 20 to 30 years to go and I think that it took me eons to get to 25 years old so I should still have eons to go….but that’s not how it works for silver surfers like me. Time is passing, I am getting older and everyday there are inescapable signs which prove it.

You know you’re getting older when……..

       1.      You need your kids to set up your new mobile phone.

2.      The dog (who is 70 in human terms) has got less grey hairs than you have.

3.      Kids on trains or buses offer you their seats.

4.      The kids hate me taking them to school cause their pals ask if I am their granddad.

5.      Your pubic hairs start to go grey.

6.      Shops who offer old-age reductions start asking you for your pensioner’s card.

7.      You see two women together, one young, one old and you find the older woman more attractive.

8.      You start falling asleep on the sofa in front of the telly when there’s a great football match on.

9.      You start to eat muesli for breakfast.

10.  People look at you when you’re out in your convertible car and you know exactly what they’re thinking (old git, trying to regain his youth etc etc).

11.  People in the supermarket don’t bump into you with their trolleys (as much).

12.  When I see my neighbours after a few days and they greet me with expressions such as, ‘oh – you’re ok then’ or ‘we thought something had happened to you’.

13.  Your wife asks you if you still want your ashes scattered at the bottom of the garden.

14.  Your wife asks you if your will is up-to-date.

15.  Your wife asks you if there’s enough in the account to pay for a funeral.

16.  Guys you thought were as old as you start asking for your advice.

17.  Saga keep sending you junk mail.

18.  You start drinking Vodka and Red Bull to see if it helps.

19.  You watch Strictly Come Dancing instead of Ross Kemp on Gangs.

20.  You start cooking.

And finally………

21.  You start writing a blog !!