Time to Get My Chopper Out

My French neighbour (Mr LeBlanc) with whom I have this on/off relationship came over to me zee other day (French accent please) and started a conversation. Now we haven’t spoken for months because of some problem he ad with me and it was so trivial I’ve long since forgotten zee issue which caused it but I was oooh la laaa’d to say the least. This is because I had a bit of a run-in with our mutual neighbour (eee’s also French) which was the subject of a blog a few months ago and you know what these Frenchies are like – thick as thieves – so I’d assumed they would have spoken about the mad Eeeenglishman down ze hill and had jointly agreed to totally ignore me at any opportunity.

Anyway, whenever he starts a conversation there is usually some alterior motive. This time it was about my chainsaw which I was using to cut logs when he wandered over. He doesn’t speak any Eeenglish so he usually asks for the name of the thing he wants to talk about and then we’re off. His French and my Franglais. The problem started when he asked what a traconneuse (chainsaw) was called in English and I said it was a chopper ! Now at this point you need to accept my translation of his French and try and work out what someone would think if they just overheard the conversation.

Neighbour – ‘that eeez a very good chopper you ave’.

Me – ‘yes – I’ve had it quite a while’.

Neighbour – ‘what colour eeez eeet – eeet looks yellowish’?

Me – ‘yeah – it started off yellow but has gone a bit brownish’.

Neighbour – ‘eeez that because you’re using eeet so much’?

Me – ‘yeah – I’m using it every day at the moment. My wife hates it cause it makes me all smelly’.

Neighbour – ‘would you recommend your chopper’?

Me – ‘absolutely – I’ve never had any problems with it. Occasionally I have to open it up and smear some oil on it and take out some wood chippings but apart from that it’s been great’.

Neighbour – ‘so eeet doesn’t need much looking after’?

Me – ‘No. Not at all. I get it sharpened about twice a year and that’s it’.

Neighbour – ‘But you must’ve had some problems surely’?

Me – ‘Well, actually yes. The safety device broke a few years ago so I’ve no protection if my chopper gets caught up in something knotty’

Neighbour – ‘Does eeeet give off a lot of smoke when you’re using your chopper’?

Me – ‘A bit. It depends on the lubrication you use. I make sure I use special chopper oil. It’s a bit more expensive but it’s better in the long run’.

Neighbour – ‘That eees very interesting. Eeeez there anything you would change about your chopper’?

Me -  ‘Yes. I’d definitely get a bigger one. My chopper is 38cm long and I think another 7cm would be better. In fact I would recommend getting the biggest chopper you can lift’.

Neighbour – ‘Ah zank you very much my friend. I have often wanted to ask you about your chopper. Eeeez there any way I could try your chopper for myself’?

Me – ‘Well I’m taking it round to my neighbour’s house this weekend cause she phoned Julie and asked if she could send Thomas round with his chopper so I’m afraid it is going to be used constantly until next week’.

Neighbour – ‘Well mon ami. Zank you for zee information. I look forward to trying your chopper next week. Will you put some of your special lubrication oil on eeeet before you bring eeet round’?

Me – ‘Of course Monsieur. Pas problem.

Neighbour – ‘Bon apres-midi’.

Me – ‘And a good afternoon to you too Mr LeBlanc’.