27 August 2008

Obesity – Eliminated at a Stroke

I should really patent this posting or copyright it or whatever it is you do to protect a brilliant idea but in a sharing, magnanimous gesture, feel free to use it, spread the word and make the world a better, thinner place. People would eat less food, we could then export more or give it away to starving nations. I would then get the Nobel Prize for something or other, write loads of books on it and be feted everywhere I went for saving the world. I would attend dinners worldwide as a guest speaker and pile the kilos back on after losing a shedload through my startling new discovery.

So what is this brilliant method of losing weight ? First a short intro.

I wouldn’t say I was fat but I have put on quite a bit of weight since I retired last year. I’ve tried to work out why, as I don’t eat any more than I did before and if anything, I drink less alcohol (BT drives you to drink !). I suspect, although I didn’t know it at the time, that I actually did quite a bit of walking in and to and from the office, climbing stairs, running to the pub at 5pm and….. I don’t do any of this at home. Yes – we live in a beautiful area for walking but walking is boring – I much preferto tear around on my scooter. If I ran to the pub here I’d be dead – it’s 3 miles away. I reckon my body is just changing. From a Michelangelo David sort of shape to a fat git sort of shape as shown in the pictures above.

Now I have to say that my beautiful bride has also put on a little bit of weight but I put that down to her euphoric state of finally, after years of chasing, getting her man and celebrating with a few chocolate bars. You know women – they eat when they’re sad and they eat when they’re happy – they just eat. They’re all on that seafood diet – they see food and they eat it !

So – the family are on a regime as we call it in France, but after 1 week and actually losing 2 lbs on the first day, I have become bored with it. Why is it that all low calorie foods taste like wet cardboard ? Even the pictures from the Weight watcher’s web site (which is now our internet home page - how sad is that) are misleading. Ok, there’s lots of nice colours but when it’s on the plate and you’re shovelling it into your mouth, it just tastes like a shredded duvet with some colourful sautéed curtain material thrown in for interest. Lettuce might be good for you but it’s the most boring food on the planet. Couscous might also be good for you but if I want to eat sawdust I’ll go to the wood mill and sit below the circular saw with my mouth open.

The secret. It’s soooo simple. All we need is some brilliant scientists to ……. make lettuce taste like sausages and make sausages taste like lettuce and let each food keep its own calories. Then fat people like me can stuff their faces with lettuce and it will taste delicious and I wont pile on the kilos. People who love sausages, to the detriment of their shape will find them boring and will change to lettuce and get thin. Get them to make pizzas taste like natural yoghurt and vice versa. Get water to taste like a really good Chablis and vice versa. Get baked beans to taste like couscous and vice versa. Get deep fried Mars bars to swap flavours with bananas.
Show me someone eating sausages, chips and beans and I’ll show you a happy, joyful person. Show me somebody on a diet eating that low-calorie stuff and I’ll show you a miserable git.

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