Laugh Your Way Into 2011

Well, J and I are cleaning and readying Le Brin for another invasion tonight when we host a New Year's Eve party. We've even more people arriving tonight than we had for Xmas and so the bar is being prepared for the overspill, i.e. the guys. I'm sure it will be well used!

Thanks to all of you who read my blog. Without you , blah, blah blah. And with that, all that remains is for me to wish you, your families and friends a very happy New Year and a healthy and prosperous 2011.

And now - have a laugh. Read this at midnight and laugh from one year to the next.

What sort of woman can wash the dishes with her right hand, cook dinner with her left hand, sweep the floor with her left leg, dust the furniture with her right leg and open a beer bottle using her bum? A Swiss Army wife.

Internet virus warning. If you get an email titled "nude photo of Ann Widdecombe" DO NOT open it. It contains a nude photo of Ann Widdecombe.

Susan Boyle has taken steps to prevent any more prowlers coming into her home. She's bought herself a see-through nightie.

A used cigar that belonged to Sir Winston Churchill has sold at auction for £4500. Can you imagine what one of Bill Clinton's must be worth?

My mate got a slap from his missus when they were getting ready to go out on Saturday night. Emerging from the bedroom, she said: "Does my bum look big in this?" "I'm not sure," he replied. "Move your other bum out the way and I'll have a look..."

Two Irish blokes stagger out of the zoo covered in blood. one turns to the other and says: "That's the last time I go liondancing..."

The world-famous five-star Gleneagles Hotel recorded a loss of £554,000 last year. An overnight guest apparently sneaked out without paying his mini-bar bill.

If a single bed is 3ft wide, how come a double is 4ft 6in?

Proceedings at the Chelsea Flower Show were disrupted yesterday when an 85-year-old streaker ran amok at the event. She later won first prize for Best Dried arrangement.

The three dolls in a man's life. 1) His daughter - Baby doll. 2) His mistress - Barbie doll. 3) His wife - Panadol.

J walked out on me after I blew our life savings on a penis extension operation. She just couldn't take it any longer.

Our local bar in Tourrettes is being turned into a funeral parlour. I might pop down for a couple of stiff ones.

Ostrich, camel and kangaroo will be served up at this week's World Testicle Cooking Championships in Serbia. If Mrs Woods, aka, Elin Nordegren had her way, they’d have Tiger on the menu as well...

Are orphans allowed to watch PG-rated movies?

Someone stole J's knickers from the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers, but she would like the 22 pegs back.

What about the drug dealer selling Viagra for just £2 a tablet who claims it's "the only way you can buy sex for two quid"? He's obviously never visited Glasgow's red light district.

At the mother-in-law's funeral yesterday, J accused me of being insensitive. At least I think that's what she said - I couldn't really hear her over my iPod.

An Irish guy put an advert in his local paper saying he’d take a driver’s job and he says - wait for it - that he's willing to travel...!!!

I went to the doctors the other day and he told me I've only got two weeks to live. When J heard she booked a holiday for three weeks!

'I'm a Celebrity' drama queen Gillian McKeith had food stashed in her knickers when she went into the jungle. Gives a whole new meaning to bushtucker, I suppose.

Susan Boyle is now worth £11million - and she still hasn't been kissed. I now predict a sex-change operation for Heather Mills.

I saw Kitty writing her Xmas wish list – it said, "Dear Santa, please bring me lots of clothes to give to the poor women on Thomas' computer..."

In Tourrettes the other day, I saw a poor old lady falling over in the snow and ice. I'm guessing she was poor as she only had 83 cents in her purse.