Retreat ? Some Retreat !

The Monastery

I’d had a few texts from J during her island retreat, one in particular when she knew I was having lunch with a lady whose husband has been working away for weeks (you know who you are David) and it said, ’are you missing me?’, to which I replied, ‘who are you?’ which had the desired effect – no more texts!

But I relented when they texted me that they would appreciate being picked up at the ferry terminal rather than get a taxi and possibly two trains and so I went down to Cannes to show that just occasionally, I can be a dutiful husband and in Cindy’s case, a good brother-in-law.

As soon as I took their cases I noticed a distinct loss of weight (I’d taken them to the station on the outgoing trip and the cases were real heavy) and mentioned this, to which the answer was all too predictable – the cases on the way there had contained several bottles of wine, block upon block of chocolate and several packs of cigarettes and a variety of other edible and drinkable things but they were all gone now, gone in an orgy of eating and drinking, hence the lighter bags.

Now I haven’t gotten the full story of the 4 day, 3 night trip but this is what I reckon happened:

Thud, Thud (big knockers bashing against the Monastery door)

Hello – who is at the Lord’s door?

Hi Abbot – it’s me Julie.

MeJulie ? Are you from the Caribbean?

No Abbot – it’s Julie. I came with that hussy last year, you remember Lynn, the one who was after that monk of yours – Frére Phillipe.

Oh yes – I thought we’d banned, sorry excommunicated you both after your rather unsavoury and sacrilegious behaviour last year.

Oh Abbot – Lynn always gets up on the table and takes her clothes off when she’s had a few and I have to say, your monks didn’t exactly look away. In fact, some of them were clapping in time to the music she was playing on her iPod.

Well that’s something I and our Dear Lord had to deal with but I have to say, there were quite a few of my bretheren at confession following your departure. So, who have you brought this time?

Me sister Cindy – she’s from Cyprus and she’s very well behaved. In fact we’ve been having e-mail conversations with Frére Phillipe and we know he’s hurt his leg. Cindy says she’ll be happy to hold his crutch for him. We know he’s got water on the knee so Cindy reckons that if you use your special powers and turn it into wine she’ll be happy to suck it out.

I’m sure she would but after your visit last year, Frére Phillipe was banished to the cemetery and I’m afraid you won’t be seeing him on this trip. And I’ve also removed him from Facebook, Twitter, Skype and that website you enrolled him on, what was it – DirtyHabitsForHire.com  – we really cannot have our monks participating in these ungodly communications.

Oh that’s a pity Abbot, we brought him some of his favourite tipple as well.

And what’s that?

A couple of bottles of Bishop’s Finger of course and some Benedictine to share with his pals – sorry bretheren.

Well I’m afraid you’ll have to leave them at the door. This is a dry order. Now come in and please go straight to your cells. Dinner is at 6.30pm.

Abbot – d’ya remember when Lynn came up to you at the head of the dinner table last year and suggested that once we’d finished our meal we could play Charades?

Ah yes Mrs – what’s your name again?

Me? Julie?

OK Mrs MeJulie – yes I do remember that. I’m all for the monks having a bit of light relief after our silent period but her choice of subjects was not very tasteful to say the least.

But Abbot – what was wrong with Jesus Christ Superstar or The Monkeys or Confessions of a Priest?

Well Mrs MeJulie, those were bad enough but when she took all her clothes off and persuaded Frére Phillipe to do likewise and then proudly announced the charade as the film, Adam and Eve, it was just too much. That’s why Frére Phillipe has been banished to the cemetery.

So what’s he doin there Abbot? I hear you don’t bury your dead monks in coffins, they’re put in a hole on a plank of wood? Is that right? Is Frére Phillipe burying your stiffs then?

No Mrs MeJulie, he’s stopping the dogs which tourists like you bring to the island from digging up our deceased bretheren and running about with the bones.

Would you Adam and Eve it? Sorry Abbot.