Voicemail’s To Blame

So – now we know. The whole global financial crisis could have been averted. It was all down to one guy who doesn’t like using voicemail.

The general consensus, with a certain degree of hindsight, is that whilst the world’s financial powerhouses were in a pretty ropy state, they were scraping by. Indeed, most of them were making huge profits and were able to offset much of the so called bad NINJA loans with these profits and by making provisions in their balance sheets.

But then Lehman Bros, a huge American Investment Bank (i.e. it does not deal with the general public), found that it had overstretched itself and approached the American administration for help. The Government touted various bits of the bank around the global financial community having said that it would not put any US taxpayer’s money in itself. Barclays, the UK bank, were quite interested and were prepared to buy Lehman’s but wanted the US Government to guarantee some of its loans. The Government were prepared to discuss the situation, but as always, when lots of US money is involved, Warren Buffet, the billionaire investor was called in to try and broker a deal.

He had a few calls with Bob Diamond of Barclays and the situation reached the weekend. A few more calls between Diamond and Buffet would probably have resolved the outstanding issues. As the last call before the weekend came to an end, Buffet just happened to mention that if somebody wanted to contact him, they shouldn’t use his voicemail, they should persevere until they got him, but his remark went unheard. Over the weekend, Barclays tried to get Buffet several times but had to leave messages on his voicemail.

Needless to say, Buffet never picked up his voicemail, Barclays thought the deal was dead and Lehmans went belly up. The rest is history - with Lehmans going to the wall, every bank globally was at risk as they had some $800 billion of open transactions out in the market and if Lehmans couldn't close its positions, some banks would go bust.

Now I have known senior managers and directors who have refused to use voicemail and indeed have had their secretaries print off all of their e-mails because they refused to use a computer, but whilst missing a customer call or a client e-mail might be unprofessional, it didn’t have the lasting and dramatic effect of Mr Buffet’s refusal to dial a three-digit code on his mobile phone and pick up his messages.

Tax That Pole

I see that Harriet Harman, the UK’s Deputy Prime Minister, is trying to curry favour with the female voters before the next election. She’s proposing that VAT levied on expenditure at the UK’s lap dancing clubs should not be reclaimable. Whether this is to discourage red-blooded men from frequenting such clubs or whether it’s just another way of scraping together even more tax, I know not, but I suspect if and when it comes to a vote in the House of Commons, there will be more squirming than a stripper on a greasy pole!

For those of you who are unable to grasp the issue (from dear Harriet’s perspective), the theory is that most expenditure in these establishments is expensed and companies then reclaim the VAT back from the government when they process their employee’s expense claims. In addition, if the expense is for ‘entertaining’ clients, the whole bill for the outing can be offset against the company’s corporate tax bill - a sort of government lap-dancing subsidy if you like.

And it’s not a small problem if you’re the tax man. The owner of one club chain said that during the week up to 75 per cent of his clients were there on business. “It is an expensive night out at a couple of thousand pounds a time,” he said. “You couldn’t afford it if it wasn’t on expenses.” How true!

Lap-dancing clubs have sprung up all over Britain and have doubled in number over the last four years after legal changes in 2003 made it easier to get a licence. A loophole in the Licensing Act allowed the clubs to be associated with the leisure industry rather than the sex industry but after a vociferous campaign from women’s groups and MPs who were inundated with complaints from constituents, that loophole has been closed and clubs must be licensed as sexual-encounter establishments.

Research by the Fawcett Society pressure group found that 41 per cent of the clubs advertise directly to companies, and in London, 86 per cent of clubs admitted to providing “discreet receipts” to clients allowing them to pass the night out off as drinks and dinner, rather than an evening at a lapdancing club.

Two stories about my own very limited experience of these types of clubs:

My director was leaving BT and as his deputy, I was tasked with organizing his ‘leaving do’. He specifically asked for it to start off in a lap-dancing bar. The fact that he had also invited the division’s HR Director, a woman, didn’t seem to bother him – or me for that matter. I mentioned to her what we had planned and she was fine, that is until we got to the bar where, after the first ‘dance’, she turned to me and said, ‘Tom – this is most definitely going onto your HR record’. Whether it did or not, I don’t know but my protestations that it wasn’t my idea, didn’t seem to make any difference!

Another of my directors in BT just wanted a good night out. Again, I was chosen to get the ‘logistics’ right and off we went (four of us) in a cab. Thereafter, it was a succession of clubs, bars and pubs, spending several hundreds of pounds in the process – all tax deductible of course! At about 3am, a couple of the party were flagging and an all-night breakfast in a café just off Regent Street seemed like a good idea. As we ate our bacon, black-pudding, eggs and assorted other fried delights, a rather glamorous girl at the next table said, ‘Tom – is that you?’ I recognized her and replied, ‘Hi Sabrina – how’s things – business good?’

My colleagues, in particular my director, were impressed that at 3am in London, I should be recognized and greeted by a rather gorgeous female. When they asked me to introduce her, I said, ‘guys – this is Sabrina – she’s a lap-dancer at Brown’s.’

My office reputation went up by leaps and bounds after that – but not with HR!

The TUC – Saving Britain’s Industry

You would think that with an impending election which will probably see a Conservative government elected and the necessity for cutting public services and therefore public sector jobs, the Trades Unions would have something better to debate, but no, you can always rely on some union wazzock who thinks he’s important, introducing a motion for debate which defies belief.

This year it’s ‘High Heels’. Yup – with unemployment at 2.7 million as I write (always assuming a certain G Brown hasn’t had his grubby little paws on the numbers) and the unions less important than they’ve ever been, what are they debating? They’re trying to introduce and pass a motion that ‘high heels’ should be outlawed in the workplace.

Read the motion below.

"Congress believes high heels may look glamorous on the Hollywood catwalks but are completely inappropriate for the day-to-day working environment. Congress calls on all employers who have dress codes that promote high heels to examine the hazards their women workers face and ensure that proper risk assessments are carried out and that where these show the wearing of high heels is hazardous, the high heels should be replaced with sensible and comfortable shoes.”

I’m trying not to laugh. Will there be a motion next year stating that Alice bands cannot be worn because Alice never gave her permission?

Calais Cash

How come these guys (foreigners, immigrants – call them what you will) know more than we do about taking cash out of ATMs? When I go abroad I’m always fearful that (a) the ATM will swallow my card, or (b) there’ll be a terrible mistake and I’ll get loads of charges levied onto my account or (c) I’ll mess up the request for cash and I’ll end up with nothing. Read the following article and weep.

A total of 34 Slovakians based in London were arrested in France after using Barclays Bank cards to fraudulently withdraw more than £300,000 worth of euros. They arrived on the Dover to Calais ferry on Friday morning and began emptying cash machines across the region (not a booze cruise then?). Armed police made 34 arrests, but not before many had fled with bags of money which remains unaccounted for. “It's one of the most bizarre crimes we've ever dealt with,” said a detective in Lille. "More than £130,000 worth of euros was taken from Dunkirk alone in the early hours of Friday morning.”

The mass withdrawals triggered alarm bells at a specialist financial monitoring unit in Paris, leading to an armed response unit being activated.

At 9.30am on Friday six men were arrested in Calais with more than £22,000 worth of euros in their pockets. Much more had been taken earlier, including at least £135,000 from machines in Dunkirk and £27,000 in Bithune. All of those arrested were carrying scores of Barclays bank cards, many of which are believed to have been handed over willingly by members of London's large Slovakian community. Like all bank cards, they were able to be used in numerous machines, and not just ones run by Barclays.

“Whoever was responsible for this scam worked out how to use the Barclays card abroad without any credit limit, and had got lots of Slovakians based in Britain interested,” said the source.

Of the 34 arrested, all have since been released, with four on bail facing charges of swindling within an organised gang.

Barclays blamed the security breach on a “computer bug” which has now been eliminated.

Comment: The scam appears to be that by using Barclays cards in French machines, the ‘crooks’ could take as much out of each machine as they wanted to – they were not limited to the £300 limit or whatever it is that most people are subject to. And of the 34 arrested, all have since been released – why? And the ones actually charged and released on bail – do the police actually think they’ll turn up for their next hearing – I doubt it. And as for Barclays – they’ve fixed the bug – a bug which only affected French ATMs – again I doubt it.

But you’ve got to hand it to our Eastern European cousins – if there’s a wrinkle and there’s cash on offer – they’ll find it, or nick it!

And as if just to prove my point (about the difficulties of using French ATMs) – I stuck my French card into an ATM last weekend and it was swallowed. Could I get it back – no siree – ‘our technician only visits once a week – we’ll call you when he’s been so you can come and get your card back’! At least I can’t spend any money now!

Climate Change(d)

About 10 days ago we slept on top of the bed with no covers it was so hot. The fans were going 24/7 and Shadow and the cats moped about all day because of the stifling heat. The plants and trees were wilting and the pool was too warm to have a refreshing swim. The windows and doors were open all hours of the day and night to try and get a breeze through the house and salads were the order of the day. Chilled water was being drunk by the gallon.

What a difference a week (or 10 days) makes.

I’ve now looked out the 12.5 TOG duvet and the pool is too cool to swim in unless I’ve worked up a major sweat in the garden. It’s been raining non-stop for the last week and I’ve had to take the overflow plug out of the pool to allow the excess water to drain away. Shadow and the cats now sleep inside at night and J has mentioned that dreaded 4 letter word – fire! And we’re having stew for dinner tonight and the red (wine) will be out – the Rosé is consigned to the rear of the fridge, probably until next year.

I’ve never known rain like it. Not only did it rain, but it rained horizontally. The gravel is now half-way down the drive and you can hear the plants breathing again. I’ve got my Levis/Lees/Wranglers on for the first time since May and the thought of driving my Alfa with the top down would terrify an Eskimo, never mind me! And some of the gardeners have started burning their garden rubbish for the first time in months. It all points to the start of winter.

But – the forecast is for sun this week but will it be a hot sun or a wintery sun?

I suppose I could say the picture is of me looking for the kids returning home from school – but it’s not!