A few weeks ago I read about a particularly unlikeable Labour minister called Liam Byrne (I won’t pander to him by putting a capital ‘M’ for minister). I say unlikeable because I disliked him the moment I saw him on TV. He looked an arrogant little **** before he even opened his mouth and I reckoned I was justified in my opinion when he did open his mouth – a completely unlikeable person. The sort of guy you might spot at a BBQ or a party and promise yourself not to get stuck in a corner with him.
Anyway, castigating myself a few weeks later for being too quick to jump to an opinion about people, I sat down and watched him make another appearance on lunchtime TV and was curious when the interviewer said, ‘I’m sorry minister, you won’t be getting your soup at 12.30 on this show’.
I did a bit of research and found that when Mr Byrne reached the giddy heights of power when Gordon Brown (a fine judge of character don’t you think?) promoted him to Cabinet Minister (ah – I forgot – I’ve given him a capital ‘M’) he issued his civil servants with a book/manual telling them how he wanted things to be run. Have a look at the following excerpts:
Coffee/Lunch. I’m addicted to coffee. I like a cappuccino when I come in, an espresso at 3pm and soup at 12.30-1pm.
The room should be cleared before I arrive in the morning. I like the papers set out in the office before I get in. The white boards should be cleared and if I see things that are not of acceptable quality, I will blame you.
Brief me not on what you think I should know but you expect I will get asked and briefing notes should be in size 16 point and should take up no more than one sheet of paper.
Never put anything to me unless you understand it and can explain it to me in 60 seconds,
We need to produce a grid . . . outlining the story of the week. Once something has been slotted into a grid, my expectation is it will be delivered. Moving something from a grid slot is a very, very big deal and key messages must be set out in ‘big speeches’ and repeated at every, repeat every, opportunity.
It’s your job to keep me to time. It’s rude for me to draw meetings to a close. I like 10 minute then 5 minute warnings. You need to know what I’m doing next.
Now, Civil Servants are well used to this sort of egomaniac. They tend to get a new ‘master’ every 18 months or so, but Mr Byrne has been widely ridiculed for actually setting down his list of ‘requirements’ on paper. It reminds me of an idiot when I was in IBM. He’d just made his first managers job, had been given his BMW and his free petrol card, had been shown into his new glass-walled office and was then left to get on with ‘running the show’. He wandered (or should I say swaggered) out into the body of the office and called over the secretary and asked her to come into his office. He invited her to sit down and the conversation went as follows:
Manager – thanks for coming in Lynn, I do hope we’ll get along fine. There’s a few things we need to discuss so we know how to run things.
Lynn – but ….. (interrupted by manager)
Manager – so, as I was saying. I don’t need you to get coffees for me I can do that myself unless I have clients in my office and then it would be great if you could get the coffees and maybe get some biscuits as well. If we run into lunch maybe you could book a place at the restaurant across the road.
Lynn – but ….. (interrupted again)
Manager – and I don’t want you to print out my e-mails, or filter them. In fact I’ll keep control of my own e-mail account and I’ll also not want you to do my expenses – I can do those myself. And if I find myself out with the sales guys for a long lunch you might want to concoct some stories to keep the director at bay.
Lynn – but ……. (interrupted)
Manager – so I think that’s about it Lynn. I’m sorry you might not have so much work to do as with your last boss but I’m sure we’ll get along just fine. It might take a few weeks for us to work out how things work between us but I’m sure we’ll get there. Is there anything you’d like to say.
Lynn – Well Tom. That all sounds wonderful. There’s just one thing. I’m not your secretary. Heather is.
Aaaaagh!
No comments:
Post a Comment