Do I Look Fat In This ?

We’ve all been there guys. The missus is going out and after the fourteenth change of clothes she actually asks what you think of the 15^th outfit. Does my bum look fat in this?

What do you say? Yup dear – you look like a 2 kilo tub of lard squeezed into a sausage skin. Or – don’t you think your boobs would look better INSIDE the dress? Or even – if you took the two sofa cushions out of your knickers, your bum wouldn’t look so bad! Or even – you ALWAYS look so nice in that dress – was it your mother’s?

And so, gentle, kind things that we are, we say – of course you look great in that dress darling – is it new – it really suits you. Lovely colour and the shape of it is beautiful. It’s a triumph darling. I can’t wait to go to the party with you in that. Every man in the room will have his eyes on you.

Now, I’ve never complained about my wife’s body – not once in 25 years. I’ve been ever-so-complimentary. It’s been big and small, lithe and not so lithe, toned and not so toned, but I’ve never been anything less than blindly enthusiastic and if you’re thinking that the word ‘blindly’ was a deliberate way of introducing some doubt into the discussion – you’re wrong.

And so last week when I was proudly showing (and for the grammar police amongst you that’s not a split infinitive – you know who you are) – proudly showing the pictures I took at my Broadstairs weekend and I got to the one where I’m sitting in a restaurant with my long-lost family, she exclaimed, ‘my God - look at you – you’re huge’. Well I just burst into tears and went off and had a burger, a pizza and 4 beers as a consolation. One always eats when one’s marriage is on the rocks! I mean, the picture doesn’t really do me justice. I had a tight shirt on and it was probably the way I was sitting or maybe because it was the 3^rd full meal I’d had within 24 hours. Whatever – all I know is that my Wii says I’m not obese unlike somebody I could mention!