I’d Swear It Was Tourettes

Now before we/you ‘re go any further, I have to warn you that this posting has lots of references to sweary words in it so if you’re in any way sensitive or you’re below the age of say, 14, please stop reading. I’d also like to say that the sufferers in the programme I discuss are well aware that their affliction usually causes a certain degree of mirth……. so here we go.

Now where was I? Ah yes, Tourettes Syndrome which has absolutely no link whatsoever with where I live.

When I moved over here I’d never heard of Tourettes Syndrome (note the single ‘R’). I’d go back to London and they’d say, ‘So where is it you live?’  And I’d reply, ‘Tourrettes ….’, and before I could get the, ‘Sur Loup’ bit out, they’d say, ‘F*** off. No f***ing way’. Then they’d collapse into fits of laughter and think it was hilarious.

So it was with a degree of curiosity that I watched a programme on Tourettes Syndrome the other night. The show followed a group of people who were diagnosed with the ailment in 1988 (when Tourettes was virtually unknown and frequently misdiagnosed) and it re-visited them. The unfortunate problem with Tourettes, is that Tourettes does not go away – there’s no known cure.

The primary vehicle for this documentary was Jack, who was first diagnosed at 14 years of age. He lived in a small Scottish Borders town and thankfully people there grew to know his problems and accept them. Jack has a serious case of the syndrome. He has multiple ‘ticks’. A tick being either an involuntary and severe movement  of the hands, arms or head, or an outburst of swearing.

The programme flashed back to 1988, when Jack as a teenager would wander through Galashiels swearing at everyone and everything. Today, I’m afraid he’s no better. Although he has a job (youth centre worker), has his own house and a faithful dog (who doesn’t seem to mind being sworn at every 5 minutes), and his family have virtually deserted him, he’s been ‘adopted’ by a rather more understanding household who don’t seem to mind him smacking them in the face at regular intervals or spitting his food out all over the house.

The programme also showed Jack hosting his annual Tourettes get together where similar sufferers got together to discuss their affliction. The outside leader of the group, who doesn’t suffer from Tourettes, stated that grouping these people together in one room is problematic, as once someone starts a tick, it causes the others to respond (involuntary) with their tick.

So we had the rather proper lady from some society or other talking about symptoms and how to reduce them when Jack said, ‘F*** off you pratt’. This immediately started ‘Chopper’ from Newcastle who replied with a ‘No – you f*** off’. Then the others joined in and within about a minute they were all telling each other to ‘f*** off’. It was both sad and hilarious.

Then it showed Jack fly fishing in a gorgeous borders salmon river. In the most glorious setting, he was serenely casting his fly up river, with all the skill that that art requires. The problem was, that each time he cast his fly, he shouted, ‘f*** off’, at the top of his voice. Now trout and salmon are particularly sensitive to noise, and water just magnifies any disturbance and therefore it came as no surprise that Jack hadn’t caught anything – ever!

My own little story,  and I’m quite ashamed of myself (really I am) was when BT was in the final stages of a huge deal. All the execs had gathered in Milan and we had a big, fancy dinner on the last night. I had been warned that I should pick up the bill but worked out that it was going to be humongous and that I might get some brownie points if I managed to get the client to pay.

As the dinner ended and the bill landed at my place, I sneaked a look. Three thousand euros plus! Directly opposite me I had a senior client (let’s call him Jerome), a really nice, but rather quiet Dutch guy. He looked at me as I picked up the bill, probably thanking his lucky stars that BT was paying,  and I said, ‘It’s ok, I’ll pay the f***ing bill’. ‘What was that’, he said. ‘I’ll pay the f***ing bill’, I replied. He was utterly shocked.

My colleague Steve, tapped him on the shoulder, apologised and said that I suffered from Tourettes Syndrome. He was so taken aback he said, ‘Oh let me (pay the bill)’. ‘Is that right ? Are you going to pay the f***ing bill’, I said. With that he got up and went off to pay the bill.

The next morning as we all left to fly back to our respective homes, we bumped into each other in the airport. You’ve never seen anybody do such a quick about turn and disappear!