What Would Improve My Life

       

Well apart from winning the UK lottery (I don’t even win the £10 prizes anymore), or some Russian making an obscene offer for my house, the following (non financial) things would improve my life significantly (and remember, I’m being utterly selfish – this is for ME):

1.                  For my facial hair to stop growing. I hate shaving and it seems that I have to shave at the very last minute to go somewhere. Either that, or I’ve not shaved for a couple of days and I bump into somebody I know who really does think I’ve become the recluse I’m always threatening to be.

2.                  For the French to stop banging into my cars. It’s endemic. Everybody just bashes cars as if they were supermarket trolleys. I once saw a guy parking what was obviously a new £100,000+ Bentley in a supermarket car park. He was either new to France or mad.

3.                  For my acre of scrubland (or wood if you want to be posh) to be magically cleared one morning and for the hidden terraces to come alive and show the true contours of the land. When we bought the land some ten years ago, I reckoned it was going to be a 15 year job to clear it. Well – it still looks like a 15 year job!

4.                  For my neighbour (French and about 80 years old) to very generously offer me the mountains of cut wood which he has stored in his garden and which he never seems to use.

5.                  For France Telecom to actually provide the 8mb broadband link they promise in their contract. Dealing with FT is like punching a jelly, trying to grab an eel or in the case of trying to get somebody who actually wants to help you, like trying to find the proverbial needle in the haystack.

6.                  For my brother Robert to call me up one day and say that the idea of him coming to live out here isn’t so stupid after all. The fact that his ‘bedroom’ doesn’t have any windows and opens up into the garage is but a small problem which could be easily fixed.

7.                  For my team Rangers to win the League and the two Scottish cups and then win the Champions League the following year and for Celtic (our arch rivals) to be relegated – ha ha! And if you’re wondering why this would change my life, then the fact that my three sons are Celtic supporters should help you.

8.                  For my ‘bad back’ to stop complaining whenever I do something strenuous. For my ‘funny knee’ to stop aching when I ski and for my head to stop hurting when I drink too much.

9.                  For me to get some willpower going and start jogging (I hate jogging almost as much as I hate Celtic) so that I can get my six-pack back – ha ha -  double 24 case is more like it!

10.              And finally, for J to actually put things away after her. I wont go into details but ……. no I wont go into details.