My Top Ten ‘Hits’ of 2009

Nope – not predictions. Not records or films which I reckon have a good chance of success. Not even shares which I think will make my fortune. This is my Top Ten list of people who should be ‘taken out’ and dealt with.  Or even dealt with by being taken out!

1.            Vladimir Putin. Now this guy is a weasel. I defy anybody to say that he doesn’t look like the sort of guy to whom you take an instant dislike (see picture). If he worked in your office, he’s the sort of guy who would smell, would sneak looks at the women and who nobody would talk to. He wouldn’t be invited to any of the after-work drinks and nobody, not even the most charitable person in the office, would have a good word to say about him. This guy will cause a major problem in the world before the CIA actually do something about it.

2.            Robert Mugabe. It takes some doing but this little creep has single handedly managed to completely ruin a country, which at one time was being touted as the most successful of the new, black-African states.  He’s not only ruined the country financially, with inflation running at several million percent, but his belligerent attitude to their illness epidemics beggars belief.

3.            Osama Bin-Laden. I probably don’t have to justify this inclusion in my list but I find it incredible that between them, the Americans and the British, with all their sophisticated equipment cannot find this guy. Maybe good old Barack will give him a call and we’ll see Osama wandering around the gardens at Camp David one day with Hilary hiding behind a tree with a sniper’s rifle.

4.            Bernie Madoff – I wouldn’t normally go for capitalist crooks but this guy takes the biscuit. Charities and individuals have suffered alike with his $50 billion fraud. It’s still to be determined where the money went but he probably lost it on bad stock market bets and he probably lost it in a ‘normal’ business sense but to continue to take millions of dollars from charities when he was already bust is despicable.

5.            My old architect Michel Juillard. This was the guy who built our pool in our other house and which is still giving problems several years after completion. At the time of the problem he refused to come back to work on the pool as he thought I would inflict serious bodily harm upon his person. How right he was. If I saw him crossing the road tomorrow, I would risk damaging my beloved Alfa and run the little turd over.

6.            Gordon Brown – how appropriate that he uttered the gaffe of the year when, in making an answer to Parliament, he said, ‘we’ve just saved the world…..’. He actually meant the ‘world banking system’, which he didn’t save but he believes in his own little warped, delusional world that he did! He doesn’t deserve the same fate as the others but his pension should be reduced to the level of those he’s screwed over the last ten years.

7.            Jonathan Ross and Russell Brand – (two UK ‘comedians’ in the loosest sense of the word) and not because of their pathetic little joke on radio but because they represent all that is wrong with the UK entertainment industry where average performers are paid mega-bucks ……. and this is not jealousy.

8.            Sir Ian Blair – the ex-commissioner of the London police force who turned a once proud and well-run institution into just another political organisation which became the laughing stock the world over.

9.            His buddy, the ex-mayor of London, Ken Livingstone, who made so many absolutely unbelievable utterances which caused apoplexy amongst the people he represented. In truth, he actually represented himself and his friends who all got huge handouts for doing very little from the multi-billion London budget. The problem is that although he would appear to be in a low profile situation at the moment, the creep is still raking in £10k a time for after-dinner speeches.

10.        And finally – yeah – financial organisations who totally screw up my life. From the taxman in Cardiff who treats me like something unsavoury he’s stepped on, to the bank computer (they say it’s the computer) who continually changes the name on my account so that every now and again, I can’t do a single thing because they don’t recognise my name ! Aaaaaagh !