Well, I’m doing my McAuley Culkin again. Left to my own devices for a week whilst J and the sprogs head off to rainy Manchester to see her parents, friends, other relatives and oh, of course, Mr Marks and Mrs Spencer. The Credit Crunch in the UK is about to come to an end as J buys up everything in sight. Problem is I gave her my bank card !
Life changes drastically when I’m at home alone. The place is tidier for a start. No dirty knickers to fall over when I get up for a pee in the middle of the night. No lights left on in the middle of the day. The washing machine, which has an expensive delay mechanism to take advantage of low-cost overnight electricity, is actually being used in that way. The dog is fed and the cats are content as their milk saucer is regularly filled. The fridge is tidy and has stopped looking like something you’d find in a student squat. The sun has come out again and there was 8 hours of sport on the telly yesterday. I wasn’t ‘forced’ to watch ‘Strictly Come Prancing’ or the ‘X-Factory’.
Today I shall go and get the food I need for tonight’s dinner party I’m hosting for some dear friends who will eat, drink and laugh. We’ll tell dirty jokes and drink maybe a little bit too much and wonder at the culinary correctness of my menu, which has been constructed without the ‘assistance’ of weightwatchers. A platter of Italian meats and then meat loaf and vegetables with loads of onion gravy, followed by Crepes Suzettes and Ice Cream. A selection of really fatty cheeses will finish us off.
I’ll sit and gaze at Lynn, the most perfect woman in the world. She's tidy, doesn't leave her dirty knickers lying around (I know cause I spent a week at their house in Normany a month or so ago), she tidies up at night so that when her man comes down in the morning everything is spick and span and she just wants her man to be good in the bedroom, do the garden and some DIY (not necessarily in that order). I'll try and slip her husband, my good mate Brian, some dodgy toadstools to see if we can ‘hurry things along a bit’. Lynn has always told me that if she were free, she’d be happy to buy J out. What more could a man want – a women prepared to pay a transfer fee for the man of her dreams? J reckons about £2 million would do! Problem is she doesn’t know about my ‘reconstructive surgery’ last week but as she’s of Jewish extraction she might be quite pleased ? Who knows? I’ll keep you updated.
Now in all seriousness – apart from the sport on telly bit, and even then J is very good about it – she actually tells me just before she switches it off – I do miss them. I missed them just after I dropped them off for their Sleazyjet flight to Liverpool. I missed them at the wedding I attended on Saturday evening. Although I knew quite a lot of people there, everyone was coupled up and I felt like the proverbial,’ spare xxxx at the wedding’. I missed the kids fighting on Sunday morning when Kitty usually wants to watch ‘America’s next lesbian, one-legged, blind model’ whilst Guy wants to switch on Discovery Channel and catch up on his ‘Constructing Your Own Nuclear Generator’ programme.
The animals miss them too. Particularly the cats who moan and moan for food every second of the day. J is very understanding and feeds and cuddles them – I just throw them in the blender!
So, as I write my blog in bed at 4am, drinking coffee and eating apple flavoured biscuits (weightwatchers ?) I know my gorgeous family will be tucked up in a plush Travelodge somewhere in deepest Macclesfield, sleeping soundly. Either that or J has left the kids and gone off to a ‘Grab a Grandad night’ at the Valley Lodge or the infamous Bredbury Hall.
The picture is of Macclesfield Town Hall. Should you wish to go on holiday there. the following web-site might help.
http://www.macclesfield.gov.uk/standardpage.asp?pageid=135
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