Oink Oink

When J and the sprogs left for Manchester last Saturday, the last thing my dear wife did was to go through the fridge and put all the food with sell-by dates which would expire before they got home, into a separate pile in a corner of the fridge. I was then instructed, not requested, instructed to make sure I worked my way through this pile of food and not to bother buying anything. 

As you may have read from Monday’s blog, Brian and Lynn were coming over on Monday night for dinner and as usual my portion control was somewhat over-optimistic and I was left with a mountain of mashed potatoes and cabbage. Now what else do you do with left over potatoes and cabbage but make bubble and squeak? 

So since Monday night I’ve been living on a diet of bubble and squeak (let’s call it B&S from now on) and a variety of packs of cooked ham. Now B&S – there’s not much you can do with it. I know that sometimes it’s a dish made after Xmas when there’s loads of interesting leftovers to use, but in this case, it was just mashed potatoes and rather veiny cabbage but after I’d cleaned the blender from teaching the cats a lesson, the mixture resulting from the two boring ingredients came out looking like a fish-cake mixture, obviously without the fishy bits. Sautéd gently it was delicious. 

The ham on the other hand was more challenging. Why J buys so many packs of ham I’ve no idea? There was ‘delicious cooked ham’ (translated from the French) and ‘extra-delicious cooked ham’. There was ‘Parisian cooked ham’ and ‘country ham – buy 4 slices and get two free’. There was ‘Casino own make cooked ham’ and ‘Special Leclerc cooked ham’. In fact there was a whole pig in my fridge, all piled up in one corner with instructions to me to eat the lot by the time they came home. Even Shadow is sick of it. I now try and disguise some of it by mixing it with his biscuits but he’s not stupid, he just spits it out. The cats who usually sneak onto the kitchen tops to scavenge whatever is there wont touch it – maybe they’ve read the sell-by date and don’t fancy chancing it. And so I’ve been experimenting at every meal. Delia’s been no help whatsoever. She came up trumps with the meatloaf recipe but try and find what to do with cooked ham in her books and you’ll find she’s not the culinary genius she’s supposed to be. 

I’ve sautéd it with spring onions. I’ve fried it. I’ve coated it in breadcrumbs and I’ve had it as it comes out of the packet. I’ve mixed it in with the B&S and I’ve cut it into thin strips. I’ve had it in sandwiches and on its own. I’m sick of it! I’m starting to look like a pig (no comments please) and I’m walking about the house grunting although maybe that’s because I’ve no-one to talk to. When I go outside to get something I just can’t help sticking my nose in the ground and doing a bit of snuffling. I’ve even been rolling about in the mud caused by the torrential rain we’ve had here over the last 2 days. J – you’ve got a lot to answer for.