We’ve all done it. We’ve all been there. Sitting in an airline terminal with a 3 hour wait for your plane. You can’t even check in and get through to the exciting bit of the airport cause they have a 2 hour limit before you can throw your bags onto the conveyor belt and say goodbye knowing you may never see them again.
So you go to the bar? Nope – after the weekend I had I did not want to see another measure of alcohol for some time. You can’t smoke unless you go outside where the rain would have extinguished your cigarette slightly before the wind would have blown it out of your hands. And eat – everybody eats at airports. But no. After my 10 item full-Scottish at my brother’s house in the morning I did not want to punish my digestive tracts any more – thank you.
So you buy a load of papers and you read every single inch of them. You don’t want to finish the Telegraph and start the Times cause you’re keeping the Times for the plane. You read articles you would normally gloss over. You read good sports articles twice just to see if you missed something. You even read the adverts – ‘Good Quality Corduroy Trousers in Brown or Olive Green – 2 pairs for £5’. ‘Dual TV Slippers in Brown Simulated Fur – sit with your TV partner and share a slipper – 2 pairs for £19.99’. You read the adverts on hearing aids just in case you might need one – good research done early might save you loads of grief in years to come. You read obituaries of people you’ve never heard of and you even scan the horse racing results just to see if any names you might have chosen came first.
And so it was yesterday – a 3 hour wait at Glasgow and the same at Luton. Glasgow Airport is a tip and I spent most of my time trying to find a seat which did not give me chronic back pain whilst looking at the multitude of areas which were reminiscent of a squat. I also scanned the girls to try and establish whether the poll which came out at the weekend was true. This said that Glasgow girls were the ugliest in the UK which is rather unkind but unfortunately might be true. I suspect it’s the weather hammering their porcelain skins into leather which is to blame or it could be the lashings of alcohol and 40 fags a day which takes the shine off of their complexion which does it. Now before I leave this particular subject may I just add that my first wife, Fiona, was and still is, very beautiful which just goes to show that there are exceptions to every rule – whew think I got away with it?
Right – I’m now at Luton starting my second 3 hour stint. Saw Stelios with a new fleusie. Sorry - 'admin assistant'. Had a bit of an argument with security that my 2 kilo pack of Scottish sausage was not, in fact, semtex and had the embarrassment of having my face lotion tested for explosive chemicals which would not have been so bad if Mr Semtex, trying desperately to get his revenge, hadn’t shouted out so everybody could hear, ‘Did you say it was FACE LOTION sir’? Anyway, I’m now reading the Times cause I’ve got a Women and Home for the plane…..and I come across this article which says that Glasgow is the biggest consumer spending city in the UK after London. Now if you remove London cause it’s all City boys spending large on lunches, entertainment and boys toys and their salaries are twice the national average, that leaves good old Glasgow above places like Birmingham, Leeds and Manchester. Now Manchester has probably suffered because J has only been there once this year but I’m sure if they redid the survey after her visit next weekend, they’d be back up top again – by miles!
But isn’t it amazing that a supposedly savings conscious race (or is it just me ?) and a city where the national wage is lower than the other cities surveyed, manage to outspend them and didn’t just scrape past them but outspent them by at least ten per cent? And another thing Jimmy. Given Glasgow’s population is significantly lower than Birmingham and the spend number is a consolidated figure and not a per-capita value, that makes the Glaswegians even more spendthrift.
So why is this? Is it the prodigious spend on cigarettes and betting? I think not as these are low value ticket items. Is it food or clothes or even cars? Again, I think not. Is it make-up or meals out ? Again, no. I think I know what it is. After spending a weekend in Glasgow with my three sons, the city’s place at the top of the spending league is definitely down to Timothy’s drinking habits which centre on Triple Jack Daniels and Coke with Flaming Sambuca chasers !!
PS – the video clip is NOT of Timmy…but I wouldn’t put it past him!
http://www.ultimatehandyman.co.uk/FLAMING_SAMBUCA.htm
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