25 September 2008

See Me - Am Ah Beautiful ?


Caveat – there are some sweary words in this but are needed for context. No complaints please.

Every year I do a little trip to Glasgow to (a) see my three sons, (b) see my brother Robert, and (c) see Rangers play at Ibrox. It’s quite an exhausting, rather alcohol fuelled trip and I have to lie down for a week when I return home. I sometimes feel guilty that when I’m there I don’t see everybody I’d like to, including my 2 little granddaughters, old friends, my ex-wife (!!) etc etc but I do my best to see as many of them as possible. If I stayed any longer than four days I probably wouldn't make it back home. 

My brother will meet me, as he usually does and depending on the delays etc we may have time to get down to Ayrshire to see an old friend of mine who is just recovering from throat cancer and who has to eat everything through a tube. Bemoaning the fact that he hasn’t tasted fish and chips for over a year, my helpful suggestion was for him to get a blender and throw the lot in and reduce it to a liquid which he could then siphon through his tube. He wasn’t impressed. Anyway, his illness hasn’t stopped him drinking so we’ll pop down to his local for a few. My brother will abstain because he will be my chauffeur for the day. 

We’ll then head back to Glasgow and my brother’s house where we’ll have a few (drinks) before changing and setting off to meet my sons in the centre of Glasgow. TGIF’s is our favourite haunt because the waitresses are really fit (see picture) and they serve great cocktails. I will try to keep the bill below £300 and we’ll finish up by walking down to the cab rank about 11pm and hopefully I will not suffer the indignities of the last visit. 

There I was buying cigarettes when the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen approached me outside the shop and asked me for a light. Her slimy hair was plastered to her forehead and her eyes were on the sides of her head. She smelled of a mixture of urine and alcohol and her teeth had gaps in them that you could have driven a Glasgow bus through. She’d also had a few drinks so was swaying a bit  but that’s not my excuse for being unable to light her fag, it’s pretty difficult when you cant look them in the face, but I persevered. Once her fag was lit she pushed her face really close to mine, blew a cloud of smoke (and god knows what else) into my face and then the following conversation ensued….. 

She said… ‘See me, am ah beautiful’? What does one say ? I thought of the possibilities but decided that the positive approach was best so ah (sorry I) replied, ‘Of course you are beautiful darling’. ‘You’re a posh bastard aren’t yeh’ she said. Again I was stuck for a reply so kept quiet. ‘Am ah beautiful’ she repeated. ‘Of course you are – go and look in the window – you are beautiful’, I lied, hoping she would do so, so I could do a runner, but no luck. ‘Am ah really, really beautiful’? By this time I was hoping my brother would appear cause he would have just pushed her under a bus and we would have continued our journey home. ‘Am ah really, really beautiful’ she continued, starting to get on my wick by now. ‘Here have these cigarettes’ I said trying to distract her from her quest for beauty but she said it once more. ‘See me - am ah really, really beautiful’? Hoping it was for the last time I said, ‘listen – you are really, really beautiful. Why would I lie to you’. And then I got the response which made me run…….. ‘If am sooo beautiful why cant ah get a fuckin boyfriend then pal. Will you be mah boyfriend’? 
I definitely needed a drink after that. Just another night out in Glasgow!

1 comment:

David Smith said...

Tom, I might need to check with Mick (our revered historian) but I do believe you have had the same conversation with drunken women in many cities around Europe. If I am not mistaken, you gave some of them your "name & number" - we all know it was Chas's really!. Hope all is well, love to J & the kids.